Everything is going great, really great. So great that all I want to do is hold you about the shoulders and lean in real close to impress upon you, dear reader, how great everything is going.
Last month I went for a walk in the woods with my ex (the ex) and it was wonderful. I have nothing but hope and wonderful feelings towards him, with no jealousy, no regret, nothing mixed in. Which I think is largely due to the fact that everything is going great, I'm in the perfect place for me, I'm more independent than I have ever been, and I think ever would have been, if things hadn't turned out the way they had.
So today I was bored of my music, because I've basically been listening to two albums on repeat, The Flaming Lips Sgt. Pepper's album, and the new Taylor Swift album, both of which are ah-mazing. Like, hold you about the shoulders and lean in real close to tell you how amazing they are. But this morning I decided to put my music on shuffle. I did this, and promptly skipped like 80 songs because I have a holy metric ton of Johnny Cash on my phone (who knew?) and finally it settled into a nice rhythm of nostalgia and pleasant surprises.
I was almost at work, and a new song came on, and I thought, What a great song, I really like how this is starting out. And it continued to play, and my brain continued to think, I really like this song! but then my heart, oh my heart, it started to grumble, and turn over. Ok maybe my heart is in cahoots with my stomach but anyway there was this weird bodily feeling because about 45 seconds in I realized what this song was. The Fleet Foxes. And my heart was just like, NOPE. And I switched songs.
Which maybe you can read that as, wow she really isn't over that dude, but I wouldn't, I really really wouldn't. It's just to say, how little control we have over our senses, how you can think that all the connections that once were there were gone, or changed into new connections, a new kind of love and fondness for a person that's now just turned into a memory, but there's still some. The last cord to strike a chord.
So everything is going really great. My lab is becoming my best friends and family, to the point where I was saying to them that I really only use two rooms in my house, my bedroom and my kitchen, so I was thinking about moving my bedroom to my living room and having my current bedroom be an office and then have the living room be the living room (it's kind of hard to explain but I can draw you a picture if you want) and someone's suggestion was, "why don't you move Lena's bed into your room and have the bedroom be the bedroom and Lena's room can be the office." And don't for a second think that I hadn't thought about that. Bunk beds were even a hilarious option, but I said, as much as I love that idea, I would like to maintain some semblance of the possibility that I may one day have a partner, and I think sharing a bedroom with my daughter is a surefire way of that not happening.
Everything is going so great, but--I haven't been in love again, and it's weird, because I'm not lonely, I'm happy, and I know this isn't the end all be all, but sometimes it does feel that way, and I'm just a little sad, because I love being in love (except maybe I don't) and I'm not. And there have been people, oh there have definitely been people, but I'm just not...I don't know. I haven't been there.
And I don't think it's the Fleet Foxes. I really don't think it's the Fleet Foxes. But if it's not the Fleet Foxes, then what is it?
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