I can’t remember if I’ve said this before, but there’s this common thread about being a successful woman and then not being able to “have it all”. And I read these things, and I write them all off--It’s not about “having it all” to anyone else’s standards, it’s about having what you value for your standards. Look, I solved it! Pssh, amateurs.
So….I was wrong.
I want it all. And it hurts so bad when I can’t have it all.
One of my friends is also in grad school with kids, and I saw her last weekend and confessed to her, I haven’t made a real meal on a weeknight since school started. She admitted to the same thing It’s just practically impossible. I leave lab at 5. it takes me 15 minutes to walk to my car, then another 20 to pick up L from afterschool, then another 10 to get home. If we get home by 6, we’re lucky. L has been so exhausted from school, I have to get her in bed by 7:30 otherwise we’ll both end up in tears. So the clock starts when we get home, an hour and thirty minutes to make something to eat, eat, get in the bath, get in jammies, brush teeth, and into bed.
Oh you wanted to just relax with a beer when you got home? ha!
So in this hour and thirty minutes that I have with my kid after school, the last thing I want to do is spend time on an elaborate meal, have her not eat it, and then have to do a bunch of dishes to do afterwards.
Except, I love cooking. It’s how I relax and destress. And I enjoy these meals. And I want to have a healthy, balanced meal at the end of my day, and I want L and I to sit at the table all civilised and talk about our goals and accomplishments.
So...I could leave lab earlier, pick L up earlier, and have a little more time at home. But...I don’t want to leave lab earlier. I love the lab I’m rotating in. I love the project, I love the people. I don’t want to give that up.
I get it now, I get wanting it all, and having it be impossible to achieve. I want to be a rockstar grad student. I want to be an amazing mom. These aren’t entirely unachievable goals, but they’re hard, for sure. I come from a place of privilege, and it’s still hard. And it’s been said before, by people who have spent longer thinking about this issue, but there’s not an easy solution. I mean, my life would be about 500 times easier if I had some sort of cleaning service that did all my laundry and all my dishes. And it would be nice to have someone to cook for me. And someone to entertain L when I’m busy. But (with exceptions to the laundry and dishes) I like cooking. I want to be the one that plays with my kid.
On top of it all, I don’t want to work from home. I want to be in lab. I want to be able to run into my PI’s office at 4:45 and show him the result I got after a full day of work. (!!! THIS HAPPENED AND IT WAS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.)
So, I’m figuring it all out. In my head I’m starting to rank things that are most important to me, and I’m dropping the ones that aren’t. Because there’s no other way. (That I can see at least, if you have the answer, please, please tell me.) So...we’re eating more pasta. We had vegetarian chicken nuggets, french fries and creamed spinach for dinner last night, and I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it was awesome, but it didn’t stress me out. I’m not watching shows on netflix anymore, but I’m reading a chapter of a book before I go to bed. Because that’s still important to me. L and I bring a book to the bus stop every morning and read together there, because every second with my kid counts. (We finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory this week, and I cried, and it was the best feeling in the world.) A while ago I signed up for a half-marathon in October. I’m not going to run it. I’ve been running on the weekends, but not nearly as much as I need to be. I’m giving up that goal (for now!)
I want it all. I never realized what that meant, and that I wanted it. But I do. And I don’t want to settle--for what that means to me. I don’t want most of it. I am crazy woman monster who wants it all!
I woke up early to write this blog post, but in the middle of the night L came and slept in my bed. I didn’t want to go anywhere else to write, so I stayed in my room. She woke up early too, and started looking at what I was typing. I didn’t think anything of it until she started mumbling, “So...I...wuh-wuh-was...wuh-ruh-rong.” GODDAMMIT MY KID CAN READ.
Kids man, you have one tiny little handle on everything, and then they go changing it up on you.
Also clearly I am well equipped to handle this:
OH SHIT LENA CAN READ SHE JUST READ OVER MY SHOULDER A BLOG POST AND WHAT DO I DO NOW HELP SHE'S ABOUT TO READ THE WORD SHIT QUICK WHAT
— rachael bloom (@_rachaelbloom) September 13, 2013
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