putting them down

There was some inspirational quote going around the other year or so and it was like, a glass of water is really heavy if you carry it around all day, so why do you carry it around? It's that 'let it go' advice.

Well, if you don't mind, I have been carrying a few things around lately, and I want to let them go.

1) This kid at L's bus stop doesn't want Hilary to be president because she wants to be the first woman president. (She's a third grader.) I want to yell at her. I want to say this is why feminism has a PR problem, this is why women don't help each other out. There is room at the top for all of us. Hilary doesn't have to lose for you to win. Why isn't your mother teaching you this? You can be an amazing woman while other women are also amazing. They can be amazing in a completely different way or the exact same way. Your success does not depend on someone else's demise. Why aren't we teaching our children this? Why aren't we teaching our girls this? (She's in third grade. I don't actually say any of this to her.)

2) but her DAD on the other hand. Is a Bernie-bro, who thinks that if Bernie does not win the election he should run as an independent. This I did not keep my mouth shut on. No. that would be THE WORST THING. The last thing we want is to split the democrats and end up with Donald Trump as president.

3) It's hard to find a community. I'm trying to be a part of the Duke Grad Parents, but I went to one event and they're all a) married and b) have babies. I am not married, and I do not have a baby. and some of them have 3+ kids, and that's great, there is nothing wrong with 3+ kids, but while I have very little in common with people that are a) married and b) have babies I have even less things in common with people that c) actually choose to have more than 3 kids.

related, 4) so the Single Grad Parents decided to get together (there are 4 of us). One of them is married, but her husband is deployed so...gray area...one of them wanted to get together for a play date during the day on a weekday, and their custody situation is 'up in the air' so who knows what their deal is, and the other...has a baby.

5) I'm really not as anti baby as I seem. I love babies. Two of my best friends are having babies.

6) Grad school + parenthood + being me is hard. I think each of these things are hard but all of them put together is the worst thing in the world. I wish I could be more articulate and make some gorgeous analogy to flavors and harmonies and things that are unexpected but work really well together and one of those metaphors that make it seem like it's actually a good thing and this is somehow a super power and I am secretly spiderman but nooooo. Grad school is so hard and parenting is so hard (despite having the easiest most perfect kid that does not want to be president if anything that makes it worse because literally the only thing I have to do for her is feed her and clothe her and NOT BE A JERK ALL THE TIME and I can't even do that) and gosh, I am like, the least equipped person for this. I barely made it through college! I am so lazy! I have no motivation! I cry at the drop of a pipet! I am not interested in anything! all of this is the worst combination in the world. Just an example of how these are the worst combination of things in the world: so 1) me, I'm lazy and horrible (character trait), so 2) my boss has decided that micromanaging me will help! (grad school) but 3) that actually makes me more stressed out (character trait) and a great solution would be for me to 4) be able to work on my own time, at say, night, because it would stop boss(grad school) from throwing me off when I'm in the middle of an experiment (which literally just happened which is why I am here writing, character trait) but I 5) can't because PARENTHOOD. and then that means 6) I'm miserable during the day (grad school + me) which means I 7) come home and am HORRIBLE to Lena (parenthood) which then means I am 8) unfocused at work (grad school) which then means my boss is more 9) annoying and literally if one of these things were different I think I could handle the other two, but I can't I have all three of them and I have no idea what to do. Probably stopping crying and writing this blog post and getting back to work would help. After I make a graphic that completely illustrates my life:

and they say that I'm not working on figures..

I just wish...I just wish I could get one part of my life under control. :(