the elusive "all"

My parents didn't watch a ton of TV when I was a kid, so unlike a lot of my friends I don't have these nostalgia moments about Tom Brokaw or David Letterman. What I have a lot of nostalgia for is the opening bars to NPR's 'All Things Considered' intro music, to 'I'm Terry Gross, and this is Fresh Air.'

Yesterday on Fresh Air Terry Gross was interviewed by comedian Mark Maron, and she briefly discusses that she chose never to have children because she wanted to love her work and for her work to be her life.

And there's that trope again, that women have to choose between family and career, that it's impossible to have both, that we never can have it all.

I'm in graduate school. I love the project that is turning into my thesis project. Another student and I have dreams to start a company. We're thinking about ideas and names and sometimes it feels ridiculous and silly and other times incredibly real and serious. (Except I still really like the name 'Cuppa Bio' and Firas doesn't so idk.)

(Wait I can't let that go yet. Cuppa Bio??? That's like the best name ever. Cuppa Bio. Cuppa Bio. Like cup of bio? CUPPA BIO.)

Lena is seven. I have to run some ridiculous errand that takes me across town to a UPS hub. (Yay grad school!) Lena hovers at the counter, and is ridiculously chatty. For the first time in three years she brings up my ex: "I really miss that restaurant we used to go to with Alex." "The chinese buffet?" "Yeah, that one." I make orange chicken from Trader Joe's and over dinner we talk about whether or not evolution is 'easy,' and Fresh Air is on in the background. And giving my daughter Fresh Air? That's all. Sharing Terry Gross with Lena? That's having it all.

Our start up is a possibility, because I think we can do it. And Lena is so so so so fun. And I think this, this is having it all. This is it! This is all! You just have to have a kid when you're twenty and then everything will work out PERFECTLY. You love your work and be married to your work and have the best kid ever and that is having it all!

Except.

Except it's not. Because I don't have a partner. I love Lena and she loves me but every now and then, that's just not enough. I want to be loved loved. I still want to be loved.

I guess the crux there is the 'want,' right? It's not 'need.' It's just want. So still. Life is pretty sweet.

I used to think, "Let's just remove 'having it all' from our vocabularies." "Let's just be satisfied with what we have and not worry about living someone else's idea of what a perfect life looks like."

But now...now I can see it. I can see this impact and I can see Lena and I can see it all and I want it. I want it all, I want it all so so so bad, and I don't even care. I don't care that it's a myth and that it's unattainable and that it doesn't exist and it's all in my head or it's all in someone else's head, I am going to have it all.

Work that I love, a kid that I love, and I'm going to be loved.

That's it. That's all.