generous, but a little dirty

"Jacques wanted to be logical, even purely logical, while he considered me as being mainly intuitive. Which would not have disturbed me if he had not injected into his remarks a bit of irony, even scorn. But it was not enough for him to be logical. Nature also had to be logical, to function according to strict rules. Having once found a 'solution' to some 'problem,' it had to stick to it from then on, to use it to the end. In every case. In every situation. In every living thing. In the last analysis, for Jacques, natural selection had sculpted each organism, each cell, each molecule down to the tiniest detail. To the point of attaining a perfection ultimately indistinguishable from what others recognized as the sign of divine will. Jacques ascribed Cartesianism and elegance to nature. Hence his taste for unique solutions. For my part, I did not find the world so strict and rational. What amazed me was neither its elegance nor its perfection, but rather its condition: that it was as it was and not otherwise. I saw nature as a rather good girl. Generous, but a little dirty. A bit muddle-headed. Working in a hit-or-miss fashion. Doing what she could with what was at hand. Hence, my tendency to foresee the most varied situations..." 

-from A Statue Within, by Francois Jacob

My dad sent this quote to me over three years ago. I liked science then, I was doing science. I recall vaguely liking the idea of there not being a right answer, about there being room for error. About the importance of a feeling. Now I am a graduate student in microbiology. I can see the discoveries of Jacques Monod and Francois Jacob as brilliant, and I see and use their techniques every day.

I also imagine myself working with nature, not against her. I'm thinking about what the engineers are doing, the synthetic biologists. They are using her tools to trick her into giving up her secrets. My project is starting off just trying to ask her a question that she has never been asked before, and seeing if she will share with me.

Three years ago I found myself wanting to identify with Francois's nature. A rather good girl. Doing what she can with the best of intentions, no matter the outcome. A bit muddle-headed. I still do. Maybe this is what I want out of science. I don't want to prove anything to anyone. I don't want the glory of an I told you so. I'm not sure it even means anything to be right. I just want to go along my way. To do what I can with what is at hand. To be generous, but a little dirty.▪








I started writing this a few days ago, and since then have experienced the predictable ups and downs of the summer. Between my hormones and the heat, science is the strangest bedfellow. I am in love, I am enchanted, I am frustrated, intimidated, scared. Little life update: I have been anxious and stressed, despite loving what I am doing. I am snapping at Lena and not returning phone calls. Despite that, despite all of that, my daughter comes willingly into my arms, snuggles against me in her sleep. Despite all of that, upon arriving home late last night, tired, sweaty, I found four new comic books and a peach cobbler on my back porch. I am lucky the luckiest to be loved.