grad school, parenthood, identity crisis. welcome to the rabbit hole.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

What I'd run to

Last week was Lena’s 6 birthday, and so I tried to write something for her because I love her and all that, but really it’s time for some introspection on my life.

I’m in lab late tonight. I have a twelve hour experiment going, and no matter what way you slice it, one of those time points is going to suck. If this experiment works and wins me the nobel prize, I will totally dedicate it to my parents, because we spent the night at their house so I could leave early, and they picked her up from school today, and will put her to bed, so I can stay late.

Between time points, as I’m doing my work I realized how relaxed I am. Every day I get to lab and I am on efficiency mode. I have to get done by five to go pick up L. Whatever I do during the day, it has to be done before five. I’d like to think this means I’m more efficient, but whatever, it really just means that I plan experiments that I can get done between 8 in the morning and 5 in the evening. Doing work now, after 7, knowing my kid is being taken care of. Work is so leisurely. Is this what it’s like to not have kids? WHY DOES ANYONE WITHOUT KIDS HAVE ANY REASON TO BE STRESSED OUT? This is the least stressful feeling I have ever had. I could kiss this feeling. I am so. damn. relaxed. And I’m just working. I’m working, and then I’m playing (this) and then I’m working. This is fun. I could do this all night.

I've written a lot on here and other places about running away. It’s just this knee jerk reaction that I get every time I get on the interstate. That I could just keep going and never come back. I could leave it all behind. I never do, and I never will, but the feeling just doesn't ever go away. It’s the sense of promise that I like maybe. The sense that I can still do anything, no matter what the consequences are. I just like that power. Or just...thinking that I have that power.

The thing that I don’t think about, if I could run away, abandon everything, is where would I run to? And I think I found my answer. I would run here. I like this quiet. That I could have nights and days stretch lazily before me. That I could do an experiment however damn I wanted to do it. I could repeat something in the afternoon, I wouldn't have to wait until the next day because of the dreaded 5 o’clock. I would run here. To lab. To people I respect. To questions that I want to answer. To things that I just like doing.

And look at that. If I were to run away, to drop everything and leave, I would run to something that I get to do every day. Every damn day, I get to do what I love to be doing. If that doesn't make me the luckiest girl in the world, then I don’t know what does.

Oh yes, I know what does. That after this I get to run home to this.


Yep. Lucky.

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