a glimpse

Life lately has been a series of starts and stops. There are moments of ridiculousness and brilliance. Here's what's been happening lately.

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On my way home from work, I stopped at the ATM to get cash for "the babysitter" before going to dinner with our Distinguished Lecture Speaker. I ate oysters, while Mikey refused to take my twenty dollars for pizza, and texted me this picture during dinner. "Just hanging with uncle mikey!"

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I have been so frustrated with my 9-5 work-life balance. It is the most tenuous part of my life, the part I am most insecure about. I leave work at 5 every day. I pick up Lena. I make dinner. We play, chat, do homework. I put her to bed. I soon follow.  And then I read a profile of Julianne Moore in the New Yorker, and I thought, yes. This. In its entirety. Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. Her great adventure is her imagination. Just, all of it.

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UNC and duke both won Nobel Prizes for Chemistry this week, and everyone should have a State fan in their life for moments like these. Also, Cam Newton. 

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THE HAMILTON SOUNDTRACK. 

Go listen to it go listen to it go listen to it. 

That's all.

*

Hope you all are having a wonderful changing of the seasons. 

This is your friendly neighborhood rachaels signing off and reminding you that it's all going to be ok. 

Lena

Mikey only calls me now for one reason.

Friday afternoon, on my way to pick up Lena, I see his name on my phone, and I ask myself, do I want to have dinner with Mikey at Cinco de Mayo? The answer is yes, and I answer the phone.

When we get to the restaurant Mikey is half a margarita ahead of us, which really if you think about it is kind of how he lives his life, half a margarita ahead of everyone.

Over dinner, Lena asks Mikey, "Have you heard about the three holes?" And Mikey says, "Yes." Lena blinks at him, and Mikey laughs apologetically, "I mean, no." And Lena's eyes light up and she gets to finish her joke, "Well, well, well."

There's a pause, and then the ridiculous head shaking laugh that you give at puns. The laugh you give when you don't want to admit amusement.

Mikey leans over the table earnestly and says, "You know what I wanted your mom to name you? I wanted your mom to name you 'Amirah.' What do you think about that?"

Lena doesn't say anything so she probably doesn't think anything of it.

Mikey continues, "And then when you came out, your mom named you Lena. And that is a great name, you know why? Because you are such a Lena!"

She is such a Lena though. Right? Like look at that kid. She just looks like a Lena!


**


A friend that I absolutely love and respect is having a baby and she's fortysomething and she's kind of worried and in my twentysomething way I tell her that it's all going to be okay. And then she tells me she wants to have a natural childbirth and I say,

"I had a natural childbirth! It was great!"

She looks at me. "Great?"

"Well, ok, maybe great isn't the right word. It was horrible, but it was really great!"


**


Like two weeks ago I wrote about being articulate and boy that has just fallen by the wayside.

Look at this Lena. Look at this life. How great!

i hope you remember this

In the hot tub, Mikey asks Lena, What do you think you will remember about this time in twenty years.

I hope it is this. The endless joke telling. The laughter. Late summer nights. The five people on a three-person couch and the singing and the dancing and Lena, this is what it is liked to be loved unconditionally. To be accepted unconditionally. Lena this is true friendship and I wonder if you will remember this.

And for me, on the way home, after Lena has fallen asleep and the windows are down and I slowly turn the music up, up, up and it's Kendrick Lamar singing I love myself and I hope that I remember this. This unconditional self love. This acceptance. And this is the way home. However hard it gets however angry or sad or frustrated or scared, this is the way home, and even though it's been a long time, even if I've been away for a while, I have never forgotten the way home.

touching the tree

My favoritest english teacher turned mentor turned friend turned ex-boyfriend's friend turned my friend still, thankfully, recited this poem on the first day of class and I was amazed by it. (Was constantly amazed by this teacher.) He recites it to all his classes, the first day of school, and I used to text him my favorite line (the walls are painted white to be better?) as a way of wishing him a happy first day of school.

I dropped off a little bit, grad school wears on the more tenuous friendships, but then also makes them stronger.

I got a text this morning (the second day of school!) saying "I have dug a cave for a lion...remember me?"

How could I forget.


Touching the tree

W.S. Merwin

Faces are bending over me asking why

they do not live here they do not know anything
there is a black river beyond the buildings
watching everything from one side
it is moving while I touch the tree

the black river says no my father says no
my mother says no in the streets they say nothing
they walk past one at a time in hats
with their heads down
it is wrong to answer them through the green fence
the street cars go by singing to themselves I am iron
the broom seller goes past in the sound of grass
by the tree touching the tree I hear the tree
I walk with the tree
we talk without anything

come late echoes of ferries chains whistles
tires on the avenue wires humming among windows
words flying out of rooms
the stones of the wall are painted white to be better
but at the foot of the tree in the fluttering light
I have dug a cave for a lion
a lion cave so that the cave will be there
among the roots waiting
when the lion comes to the tree