generous, but a little dirty

"Jacques wanted to be logical, even purely logical, while he considered me as being mainly intuitive. Which would not have disturbed me if he had not injected into his remarks a bit of irony, even scorn. But it was not enough for him to be logical. Nature also had to be logical, to function according to strict rules. Having once found a 'solution' to some 'problem,' it had to stick to it from then on, to use it to the end. In every case. In every situation. In every living thing. In the last analysis, for Jacques, natural selection had sculpted each organism, each cell, each molecule down to the tiniest detail. To the point of attaining a perfection ultimately indistinguishable from what others recognized as the sign of divine will. Jacques ascribed Cartesianism and elegance to nature. Hence his taste for unique solutions. For my part, I did not find the world so strict and rational. What amazed me was neither its elegance nor its perfection, but rather its condition: that it was as it was and not otherwise. I saw nature as a rather good girl. Generous, but a little dirty. A bit muddle-headed. Working in a hit-or-miss fashion. Doing what she could with what was at hand. Hence, my tendency to foresee the most varied situations..." 

-from A Statue Within, by Francois Jacob

My dad sent this quote to me over three years ago. I liked science then, I was doing science. I recall vaguely liking the idea of there not being a right answer, about there being room for error. About the importance of a feeling. Now I am a graduate student in microbiology. I can see the discoveries of Jacques Monod and Francois Jacob as brilliant, and I see and use their techniques every day.

I also imagine myself working with nature, not against her. I'm thinking about what the engineers are doing, the synthetic biologists. They are using her tools to trick her into giving up her secrets. My project is starting off just trying to ask her a question that she has never been asked before, and seeing if she will share with me.

Three years ago I found myself wanting to identify with Francois's nature. A rather good girl. Doing what she can with the best of intentions, no matter the outcome. A bit muddle-headed. I still do. Maybe this is what I want out of science. I don't want to prove anything to anyone. I don't want the glory of an I told you so. I'm not sure it even means anything to be right. I just want to go along my way. To do what I can with what is at hand. To be generous, but a little dirty.▪








I started writing this a few days ago, and since then have experienced the predictable ups and downs of the summer. Between my hormones and the heat, science is the strangest bedfellow. I am in love, I am enchanted, I am frustrated, intimidated, scared. Little life update: I have been anxious and stressed, despite loving what I am doing. I am snapping at Lena and not returning phone calls. Despite that, despite all of that, my daughter comes willingly into my arms, snuggles against me in her sleep. Despite all of that, upon arriving home late last night, tired, sweaty, I found four new comic books and a peach cobbler on my back porch. I am lucky the luckiest to be loved.

building

I've started collaborating with an engineering post doc, and it has been a really interesting learning experience. Our collaboration got off to a slow start. After the first couple meetings of sketching out experiments and work flows, they* had to go back to China, and then got stuck there with visa issues for two months. But even in that short time, I learned a lot. For one, they came to every meeting with a powerpoint presentation. First was of their work, so we could understand what they were bringing to the table. After the second meeting, they made a powerpoint presentation of what I had wanted to do, in order to make sure that they fully understood what I wanted to do. (When word arrived that they had returned from China, my PI said to me, 'Please prepare a Shuqiang-like presentation for Shuqiang.' As if I needed them to tell me that.) Note to self, even if powerpoint is the most ridiculous medium ever, being overprepared for a meeting is never a bad idea.

Over the past week we've spent more time together. We have vastly different schedules and skill sets. Where I rely on biology and the random processes of nature, this post doc is an engineer by training. The biology doesn't come naturally to hir**, instead, polymers, flow rates, the properties of oil and water, this is their language.

The fun part is the learning. The post doc came from China, and they told me that the reason they make their presentations going into meeting is because they are self-conscious about their communication skills. They want to learn more biology to be able apply their engineering skills. We have biology coming out of our ears, (my PI cautioned me to not "vomit ideas all over [them]." Again, as if I need them to tell me that!), but the analytical, engineering parts of this project are way over my head.

I'm learning to balance, to listen, to be humble. When we work together sometimes I don't talk much, because I'm trying to absorb as much as I can. When I do talk, I'm learning to communicate. I'm kind of vague, sometimes (heh.) You know when that doesn't fly? When you're talking to an engineer. When I'm talking to peers in my lab, or my PI, sometimes I'll start off an idea without any intent on finishing that thought, relying instead on them immediately understanding what I'm saying, and filling in the blanks. You know when that doesn't fly? When the person you're talking to can't read your mind. So much to learn!

Also, I don't read enough. Which I think is always going to be the case.

*I've read some other science blogs that use gender neutral pronouns when talking about PIs and students, and though I used to find it kind of annoying, I'm starting to understand the reasons why and the importance for doing so. Maybe a conversation for another day? At any rate, no gendered pronouns!

**hir = him/her. omg it looks so weird, but I will stick with it!

the kind of science

I have had a whirlwind of a week, scientifically. I just got to a point in my project where I am learning things and finding directions I want to go in an exponential way. I feel wrapped up so completely in this project, so overwhelmed and so, so excited.

Then I saw this exchange on twitter. 

I've spent the last few days reading Jeff Gordon's papers. Now there's an e.g. of steady, careful, methodical, high-quality science.
— Ed Yong (@edyong209) June 12, 2014

.@matthewherper It is, and when you mainline it in one go, you really see how methodical it is. Firm steady steps.
— Ed Yong (@edyong209) June 12, 2014

I feel too early in my career to say what kind of science I want to do, or what kind of scientist I want to be, but after this whirlwind of a day, I do know that I want to take firm and steady steps, wherever this may lead.