acceptance

I'm an up and down kind of person. The highs are high, the lows are low. It's not DSM worthy highs, not clinically depressed lows, but I don't seem to just have "bad" days and "good" days. Days are REALLY REALLY GREAT or really really horrible. Like last week I heard that I won another fellowship, and then this week I spilled coffee over everything in my car, so I just threw everything out on my driveway and cried in the front seat while Lena waited patiently and confused on the front porch for me to open the door.

Lab work is kind of the same. I never have run of the mill productive days, I just get these waves of malaise and unproductivity, and then suddenly everything clicks and I am incredibly productive.

I talk to my dad a lot about all of this; the good and bad days, and the productivity thing. His response is always the same, "you just need to work on being even-keeled." Last night, he brought L back to our house at 7 because I was having a VERY PRODUCTIVE as well as GREAT day and needed to ride the wave, and I articulated this to him, again. Then, for the first time he says to me, "Well, that's just the way you are, and you should just go with it."

It's that self-acceptance theme. The stop-giving-yourself-a-hard-time theme. The gotta-be-me theme. I can't express how thankful I am that I am in a place that forgives me the time of figuring this all out.

back to school

Last night was meet the teacher night at L's new school. Her teacher let them choose their seats. L chose the seat the farthest away from the front. I don't think it's because she understands the connotations of seat choice, it's only first grade after all; instead, she wanted to be near the fish tank. 

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My PI has two kids, and one is almost one year old. I ask to hold her all the time, and I always thought people are so dumb when they say "kids they grow up so fast" but I look at Lena and see these legs and arms and thoughts and choices and ideas and how did she grow up so fast?

Growing Pains

Lena woke up in the middle of Saturday night, crying. When I went into comfort her, she was still asleep, but writhing underneath her covers. I tried to wake her, but she was fast asleep. It must have growing pains, and it took her a long time to be still again, and I stayed with her longer still. I remember those pains in my legs when I was younger, the aching, unrelenting soreness. I remember my mom comforting me, rubbing my legs, and saying no more that these were good pains, and it was just part of growing up.

Lena's been growing by leaps and strides, and I know I always say that, but it's true, and there isn't always time to write it down here, but suffice it to say, I'm writing it down. The past few days have been full of surprises. Lena lies for almost an hour at a time on her stomach, coloring. Tonight Lena called from the bathroom, and I found her sitting on the toilet--her feet dangling at least six inches above the ground.

Oh, and I got a new bathmat.