Dispatches from living with a 5yo

L's party was an enormous success, and hopefully my face will now stop breaking out over the stress and anxiety accumulated over planning a five year old's birthday party. Seriously, after making cupcakes with five preschoolers and two toddlers, grad school interviews should be a cinch. Although I am exhausted. And cupcakes have lost all positive associations for me. I'm kidding. Sort of.

L cannot pose for a picture without giving the most ridiculous smile in the world. 

Exhibit A:

But her real one is a gem.

Exhibit B:

Also, if anyone has anything to say about the christmas wrapping paper or the fact that I did not take the ice cream cake out of the box before lighting the candles and presenting it to Lena...I don't want to hear it. 

P.S. I don't know how to go about sharing this with people, because whenever I go to say it out loud I think one doth protest too much for whatever reason, but I've just been getting these waves of contentedness throughout the days, and I can't help but thinking, I don't think I've ever been happier in my whole entire life. So I'm sharing it here, Dear Blog, with you, Dear Readers.

I also...should mention...this probably not as an aside, but instead take up a whole billboard in order to advertise this to the world. (Is it too late to buy a superbowl ad?) I would not be here, and could not do any of this without the amazing help and support of my parents. I mean, they're outside playing with L right now as I recover from introvert-hosting-a-party-anxiety-disorder (srsly, is this in the DSM-V because then maybe I could get a medical marijuana license for it in some states), and without them...I have no idea where I would be. Well, I do. Probably still doing dishes from the party. Or folding laundry. Thanks Nana and Pops. You deserve so much more thanks than I could ever hope to give. Oh but wait, I gave you a grandchild. HA! Debt repaid.

Five years

Lena is five years old today. Yadda yadda, growing so fast, so much has changed, young little person---get your own blog, Lena, this is about me.

I've been a mom for five years!

Just for the record, not that I never doubted myself making it to this point, but I can’t believe I made it to this point. Five years ago after giving birth to Lena, I couldn't imagine what the next day would look like, much less the next year. As soon as I found out I was pregnant it was one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. This is main reason I still have crazy stretch marks. I couldn't see a point in the future when, you know, this thing in my stomach would grow to ginormous size and let me tell you, slathering cocoa butter on my stomach in preparation for my skin stretching was low on the totem pole of things that even crossed my mind.

Five years into parenthood, and I’m like, planning play dates a week in advance. When I make dinner plans for the week I am like, gold star to me! Thinking ahead!.

I never imagined what life would be like with Lena, which is sort of weird considering the fact I've spent a fair amount of time imagining myself being married to Ryan Gosling or Richard Armitage, so it seems a little silly that I wouldn't have just imagined what being a mom to a five year old would be like...but I just couldn't. It was so far off the scope of reason (as opposed to you know, meeting Richard Armitage and him falling in love with me? And then me calling him Mr. Thornton in our throes of passion? Because, duh, that could happen still) that I didn't know how, or what even, to imagine.

And it’s true. Nothing in the world compares to raising a kid. There is nothing more rewarding, frustrating, elating, heartwrenching, frustrating, exciting, wonderful, rewarding, and did I mention frustrating (and rewarding!)? But if you did some sort of density graph of the rewarding moments and the frustrating ones, rewarding always comes out in the end. Even if some days only by a hair.

And that’s what this is. This five years for me has been such a lesson in patience, tolerance, gratitude SELF-SACRIFICE (there I said it because kids they just suck the life out of you), and it’s been a trip I never imagined. Parenthood: There and Back Again. Or just there. Or just back again.

The biggest change that’s happened now compared with even a year ago, is that I’m imagining Lena and I growing up together in a way that I wasn't before. We have a five year plan, for the first time in ever, that includes me in graduate school (!!!) and L on the school bus, L in kindergarten. L is going to be 10! and I’m going to be...actually just kidding we don’t have a five year plan because I refuse to imagine myself as...I can’t even say that number. (Denial will get you through everything, but beware: it leaves stretch marks.)

Back to living in the moment.

When I became pregnant with Lena, and when I had her at 20, something happened to me. I've been thinking about this a lot, trying to put it into words, and trying to make a story out of it, so I’ll just say it here as best I can too.

Becoming a parent forces you to grow up fast. I mean having a pet or a significant other can prepare for the transition, but nothing compares to raising a child. I mean, you not only have to feed and clothe the darn thing and take it to like, the doctor or whatever, but you have to like, nurture it, and be nice all the time. And talk to it. And read it things. And there are still these mind boggling things that kids do that I don’t get. Like when I’m tired, you know what I do? I go to bed. When Lena’s tired, she gets super cranky and doesn't want to go to bed. So when we’re both tired, someone has to be the “adult”, and deal with the other one’s issues. And just for the record I am so tired of “being the bigger person” literally and figuratively because if it was up to me we would all be going to bed at 7 pm. 12 hours of sleep a night? Yes, please.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah. So I had Lena at 20, and this weird thing happened. Half of me grew up. It was sort of fake it till you make it sort of deal, and I was pretty good at faking being an adult. I got a job, and have never forgotten to pick Lena up from daycare.

Half of me though, got left behind. My other friends in their twenties were “going out” (whatever that means), having fun, doing whatever twenty-somethings do, and you know what? I still don’t know what twenty-somethings do. I mean, I have one friend that goes home and takes naps after work. This just does not compute for me. You can take naps? On a weekday??

The past five years for me has been a constant struggle between these two parts of me. The one that had to grow up, and fast, and the one that just got left behind. (This explains a lot, right ex-boyfriend?) I feel like (or felt like. or feel like. or felt like.) I’m simultaneously 35 and 19. Like part of me still gets excited about ordering drinks at a bar and getting carded because I have an ID and it says that I am twenty-one!!!, and the other part is like Lena put on a coat it’s cold outside.

I’m not asking for credit or anything but HOLY SHIT I want like a million years worth of credit for getting up out of bed in the morning and putting on fresh underwear. Plus another million years for making sure Lena has fresh underwear. (Credit comes in years apparently?)

So it may appear that I am in fact asking for credit, but I’m really not, because the moral of this really long blog post is that I've been a parent for five years, and my selves are finally catching up to each other. I've learned a lot about myself throughout this journey, and mostly because of the rewarding moments, I’m realizing that, 19-20 year old self is not really missing that much of “the twenties” and what the heck does that mean anyway? That I’m not having a “normal” life experience? Well NEWSFLASH Rachael, nothing and no one is normal, and even if they are, who wants that anyway? The biggest difference between now and five years ago, is that my five years ago self would have screamed with her whole body, me, I want to be normal!, whereas in my now self there is only a very very small whisper in the back of my mind that is saying, normal? That could be nice still.

It’s been five years since I pushed a gross tiny human out of my body, and I would like everyone to know that I am doing okay.

Slightly better than okay.

Actually most days a lot better than okay.

But some days just okay.

And I’m pretty sure that that’s normal.

Lena on the other hand, is doing great. She’s five today.

I don’t think I had any say in the matter at all. 

Happy Birthday, kid. 

You're doing great. Don't worry about your mom over here, I'm always a few steps behind. I'll catch up to you. I wouldn't miss any of this for the world.

I can't believe we made it this far, that I love you this much, that you are growing up so fast.

Better start believing!

Here's to you, L, and here's to us.

Music nostalgia

Every Sunday Stephanie and I have a running date, which is really awesome for lots of reasons, but one is that as I'm driving home on Sunday morning after my run, I always listen to 96.1, (no longer called 96 rock, for the Chapel Hill homegrown) which just plays like, quintessential rock music. A fair amount of Pink Floyd, Journey, you know, like "rock" music. But also. they play a ton of Nickleback. Do people still listen to Nickleback?? I thought Nickleback was like, a giant joke of a band. Of course this is also how I feel about the Republican party. And people that don't believe in feminism. It's like, you're kidding me, right?

Anyway, so Steph and I were listening to 96-rock-but-it's-not-called-that and talking about like, what this type of music reminded us of, and for me it was totally end of middle school, early high school, and for me it was before I really figured out what kind of music I liked, and I was totally into Everclear and Third Eye Blind. The Red Hot Chili Peppers!!

Music nostalgia. It's like, the closest thing to time travel I've found. Unlike going through my old journals in high school which makes me cringe and feel very retroactively embarrassed for my high school self (retroactive embarrassment = a really productive emotion), music just takes me back to like...sleepovers, and dance parties in basements, and walking on Franklin street and going to Schoolkids, and you know, figuring out who we were and how to feel and angst and Kurt Cobain, and crushes, and insecurity, and all the best parts of being a teenager.

Okay so I know this post was about like, the fact that I really miss listening to the Goo Goo Dolls, but I had to share this song which just brings me back to being pregnant with L. This song came out and I listened to it non-stop. I can't explain it. I mean it was popular for a reason. But damn, I can't tell you how many times I just put this on repeat and just...listened. 

It was like T.I. was singing to me!

I mean, is there anything more that you need in the world?

Baby you can have whatever you like...

A different myth

Let's Ask the Fox

Let's turn back into the blaze without shovels, let's ask the fox
and the rotunda gods to chase us through another summer—
untree me, shapeshift you, sweetflesh the flesh back into us—
roust the moon into some new patterns. Let's open the museum
inside every letter, every hidden name, and share one chrysalis where
even Apollo and Daphne sleep together to form a different myth.

Laurie Kutchins